mint. its a condition.

2010-06-04T00:15:00.002-07:00

its simple, and sad. i dont like me, and you like me. see, its simple. its sad.

alright

2010-06-02T18:41:00.004-07:00

are you alright man, you ok? yeah im fine, go away. they're not worried about me, they don't care about me. they're worried about themselves, cause they cant be happy if im not. if i dont fake a smile theyre uncomfortable. sorry, didnt mean to encroach. are you ok man? no, put off your empathy, its selfish.

with their rotating heads, judging every little thing and talking ever so kindly. its sick. are you happy? are you relaxed? at peace? no.

this life is gone, i want to be free of it, my past, i want to be free of WHO I AM, that stays here. no past, no future. a new life.

liyf

2010-06-02T18:41:00.003-07:00

this is the family i know. i can see it now that i've been away, we're mean, we're spiteful, we'll take any chance we can get to bring each other down. we do it with laughter and isolation. my sociability was formed like this, i have to change. this is why im so insecure, why im so uncomfortable. im mean when im comfortable. this has to change. i dont want to be like this, like i was today, using something as wholesome as laughter against someone.

mull

2010-06-02T11:33:00.002-07:00

i see her when i close my eyes, and i imagine that when they open she'll be there too, smiling. but i cant let this happen, i cant let myself slide further down this hill. she doesnt love me. whatever this is, it's all in my mind. i've let it distill there into daydreams and wishes, but it's not my reality. it's wrong. it's selfish. it needs to be put away, but how can i? i can feel it, and it makes me happy. i write a song a day to sing to her.

this wasnt my plan. i'll keep quiet and let it go, it'll fade away with time. she'll be happier, i know. i'll be free.

mi

2010-06-01T00:10:00.002-07:00

i feel... better. i feel better because i don't feel like im alone. what a time, too. just as im on my way out of this life i get comfortable. economics has shown it, scarcity drives demand. maybe people feel because im leaving, they like me more, or want to spend time with me. maybe i feel the same way, that because this is ending soon i want it to be good, and memorable, not wasting a single minute. my social anxiety has died, because now what i say and do is my past. i can speak my mind to these people because in a week i'll never see them again. what if everything was like this. what if i moved constantly, having these past few days repeat. where everything is temporary, and so it is cherished. there will be a constant scarcity of time between me and whatever or whoever im with. every minute is cherished as a miracle that is never to be repeated, a subject of chance, gem in a sea of stone. its wonderful. scarcity in time! this is life, believe it. a fleeting opportunity, a temporary, and thus valuable, memory. a thought. cherished. now i see it, it makes sense. life in these days has been a draw of time, you want me? im gone! we all are! my future is this; restricted in time, a chance. a chance better taken then let slip out and away into the sea of regret. better do it now, time is short.

orkw

2010-05-31T09:07:00.002-07:00

i met a man today, he's nice. he smiles and he's friendly, and he never disagrees. he's helpful if you ask him or he has a sense of duty. he's mindful of your feelings and your thoughts and actions. he just doesnt get it. he's a shell. a walking appeasement.

my life, is perfect. i got my family, we bicker, and back talk and stab, but we're family, and we're typical. my parents have their house, in living here for a few days. its large and white, a nice front yard, a peaceful back yard. my dog, she's great, we're best friends. we understand each other.

i live in arizona, and have all my life. it's still very much "the west," at least in spirit. independence, respect, restraint, and work. like cowboys, but in daily life. i wouldn't change this place for the world, i believe its the only place left where this spirit is alive. though, the systems of the east are broken here. politics never went well in the west.

oure

2010-05-30T23:07:00.002-07:00

i've been thinking about work. there seems to be an endless amount of labor that needs to be done, and im bouncing from one task to the next. the want to stop grows stronger after each one, but i press on. i keep thinking of that quote "when you have laboriously accomplished your daily task, lay down and sleep." i think i'll hit a wall where i think i can do no more, and when i break through it, i will work forever. i want to give up self, and belongings, and take up a shovel to labor all my days. i can think of nothing better then constantly serving your fellow man. not for glory, not for money, not even for peace of mind, but for the sake of it. for being animal. for doing a task knowing full-well that it has no consequence or value. like the turtle in the lake who swims all day, sleeps, and swims again. it is a return not to idle nothingness, but to natural nothingness. the nothingness from which we emerged to surround ourselves with false progression and true distraction. yes, work all your days, and do it because you can.

leaving

2010-05-29T22:24:00.002-07:00

i surrender,
here it is,
i've placed it neatly on the table.
my soul for the taking,
first come, first serve.
it hasnt been much use to me, only slightly bothersome.
you see,
when called upon by feelings deep,
or moments kept in time to steep,
my soul did feign no presents, sleep,
and left me cold and hollow.
so take it, what a coward.
what a slimy, awful coward.
to never taste a partings sour,
or in love break into flower.
so take it,
what a waste,
and what a common misconception;
that if dead within your soul does dwell
desire brings resurrection

i dont mean any of this.

2010-05-28T23:29:00.002-07:00

its all coming down today. i dont really like who i am, and i dont really like who i was. i hate running into my past because the combination of these two things creates an insecurity in me so large that i feel like i've become someone else entirely. i watch my every move, and analyze them. my family is like a standing snapshot of both my past and present. the expectation to be "myself" paired with the expectation to be "grown up" overwhelms me entirely.

m'i

2010-05-27T22:57:00.004-07:00

im not a party person. im not a good bye person. im not one to miss my friends or family while i'm away. im not sociable, not in the least, but i always wear my smile. im not a bad person, i try to do whats right. im not loud. im not laughing. im not going to be comfortable. im not one to speak my mind. im not a lot of things, but im trying. im worried that it's what im not that bugs people the most. they want me to do and feel and be something. i can say "goodbye" and i can truly never miss you. this doesnt mean i dont value the time we spent together, or that i will forget it. it isnt supposed to be mean. i won't cry as i leave, i won't cry for this gift. that doesnt mean its not important, that im not grateful. i can honestly cherish that gift, and i can do it within. i wont feel sad as i go, theres no need.

physical attraction. there are blue lights all over campus. theyre buttons you can press that alerts security, or the police, of an emergency. mostly, these buttons are in place to stop rape. theyre on college campus's because thats where the hot people are. i thought of this as i was driving back home and saw an 18 year old girl walking alone at night, she was all dressed up. i wondered why i thought she was in danger. im scared of whatever sex does to people. it seems like an addiction. i couldnt picture it without love, i couldnt picture it forced. i dont know why, i know its archaic, but love must be first. it gives meaning to it. this is why i thought of the blue lights. though sexual attraction im sure plays a part in love, i believe its a small part. hmm, the thought that i had is wrong. forget it. love whom you may, bodies don't matter.

htrow

2010-05-26T23:09:00.003-07:00

can a persons worth be determined by their occupation? i dont want to say yes. i dont want to say that a persons job reflects their importance. in the grand scheme of things, giving the title of "important" to any human is laughable. but here among the earth-dwellers, i guess it means something... for some reason. anyway, i dont want to say that a person who has a high paying job, or a prestigious position in some system has more value, or makes better use of their time. whos to say the person cleaning the floors isn't thinking up some ingenious innovation, or maybe they're completely satisfied with their situation and self, at peace. i cant say that value doesnt matter, its too deep in me, at least for now. i hope to one day root it out, its nothing, everything's nothing.

org

2010-05-26T12:24:00.005-07:00

what seemed like an insurmountable task in my bed this morning is done within an hour, and with little work outside of forcing myself to do it.

the desert is my home, but i'd like to get to a forest. i'll spend years building a glorious treehouse above the forest floor. it'll be hidden. i'll stay awhile once my work is done, then move on, leaving behind a chance that someday someone will find my creation, and be struck with joy and wonder, the same feeling i have now. one only achieved through pleasant surprise, or disbelief proven wrong.

ssol

2010-05-25T23:00:00.002-07:00

im loosing momentum forward. it seems like nothing is pushing or pulling me in any direction, but im just standing still. its peaceful, and im grateful for it when times are rough, moving fast. but when i stand here too long, i miss the movement. i want to be lost and away. no, i just want to stand somewhere else. i have no false notions of progress. no ones going anywhere, but some get there faster, and some take it slow. i'd like to be and do nothing, too, but i want to do it fast, and never in the same place. i dont want to be famous, i dont want to be known, i want to be gone. i'll have no past, and no future. when i die, not a single person will notice anything different. it'll be in the hills somewhere, away from everything.

vox

2010-05-25T02:46:00.003-07:00

its late, i'll keep it short. theres a lyric in one of my favorite songs: I'd break your name before I'd say: I really love you, love you.

it's true. i'd rather destroy her then risk her knowing i love her.

plug

2010-05-24T22:04:00.002-07:00

im wondering about love, and what it really is. is it something i can give away and never expect back? i dont think i could ever love more than one person. its difficult to point out who i love right now, anyway. i dont really know. there are people i'd like to say, but i really feel all alone. im moving soon, away from this life. i dont feel like i'll miss anyone. is this selfish? im ready to move on. i want to detach wholly from the world, and then i'll be able to do whatever i want. if i dont want, if i dont miss, if i dont have, i can really get around. i want to see the world. i want to put my life in danger, extreme danger. maybe i'll die! in a blaze of glory! this is my plan. i want to go so far away from myself that not even i will recognize me. when ive done that, some REAL adventure awaits!

jerors

2010-05-24T01:17:00.001-07:00

writers are assholes. they seek profit from what? words!? there is no scarcity of words, and there is no scarcity of people to use them, either. your arrangement makes no real difference, neither does your meaning. its sad. i come here and put down (admittedly halfheartedly) these words whos meaning is lost on this balck and white. because no one knows me, so how can they know the meaning of my words? how can you know the value of the words i arrange here for you? you can't. only i know the value of these words, so its a ridiculous expectation that someone else might find any use for them whatsoever.

i will be honest in feeling, you will get no honest actions, i can promise you that. but know that words do a terrible impression of feeling, and none can truly move from one to another.

pull

2010-05-24T01:12:00.000-07:00

this is my new resolution; i will write everyday. i will update when i can. i can feel this, its pulling me from the world. i can feel myself parting from reality and charging towards something completely different, a world of my own, a world i create. im charging faster and faster to collide head-first into this scared unknown. i feel my heart beat and breath weigh, this adventure is mine.

meaz

2010-05-23T23:53:00.000-07:00

i hate this society. everythings so fake, everythings so easy. medicine, money, lots of m words. i hate it. whats the goal, whats the reason? you take pain pills? why? theyre temporary. the goal is to overcome pain, and need pills no more. then you feel every sticking needle of that pain, and then you overcome it. you want comfort? you want money? then work. work as hard as you can. its my intention to spend my days in pain and discomfort, and when i lay down to die, thats the easy way.

noonno

2010-05-23T22:59:00.000-07:00

im worried about the world, and what it needs. when im happy, im too happy. when im not, im too sad. whats bothering you? nothing. really, not a thing. that question always bugs me, is there ever a right answer? if i say yes im bombarded by question after question. if i lie, i've lied, and no ones satisfied. if i tell the truth, that nothings bothering me, i've lied just the same. my problem is just this, thats when im at peace. i feel nothing tonight. no emotion. "whats wrong?" not a thing. not a single god damn thing.

syp

2010-05-23T19:12:00.000-07:00

i remember i was taking a course in psychology. i had to go hear a psychologist speak, and take notes about it. he was a weird man, he was trying to sell us on these new symptoms of OCD. i remember he sang with his guitar. this moment moved me, because all he sang about was his problems, not knowing who he was, where he was going, that whole sad story. i realized then, and have cemented it afterward, that everyone has these problems. no one is quite sure who they are, or why. no one is without doubt. his whiny guitar playing wasn't artistic in the least. thats why im conflicted, posting here. these problems arent special, im nothing new. no one likes reading about, much less hearing about, others problems. its selfish, in a way. everyone wants to speak their problems, but no one wants to hear anothers problems. anyway, i realize this, and im sorry. this is my dump for thoughts of that like. i've removed them from my music, well, the music thats public, anyway.

vac

2010-05-23T02:51:00.002-07:00

just dropping by to write whats on my mind. i must be abnormal. i must seem weird. to me, my priorities are strait; adventure, love, work, death. what else is there? have i forgotten something? i must be backwards. i've always believed love came before sex. i've always thought it wasn't just sex that mattered, but with who, and why. its not the act, it's the woman. the power and the meaning, and the LOVE is derived specifically from who they are. this must seem odd. does it? a naked body is nothing but for the soul within it. eros is shallow, and will have no love. its her, only her.

first though, adventure, however selfish that may be. i want to go so far away that i can say without a doubt that i will never make it back again. and when i have reached this place, lay down and die. or take up and fight! i want adventure! i want to be lost, and lawless. hunted. hunting. i want nothing to my name to become everything, then gone again. i want to fight for whats right! but how can i, when fighting is wrong? i want to live and fight for something, anything. give me something to die for! i sound ambitious. poncy. i want to make a journal of my adventure, but i dont want it to become a motive. i dont want to think "oh, this'll be good!" it destroys it. i want to be real, but when i write, i write in a different voice, or character. no one talks likes this. i wish i was this frank in real life.

krow

2010-05-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

before, death seemed so close to me, now, with love, it doesn't seem worth it.

mem-=

2010-05-15T23:11:00.002-07:00

i've gotta figure out which me is me.
is it; happy me, thinking me, sad me?
i guess i'll see.

"All the limitative Theorems of metamathematics and the theory of computation suggest that once the ability to represent your own structure has reached a certain critical point, that is the kiss of death: it guarantees that you can never represent yourself totally. Godel's Incompleteness Theorem, Church's Undecidability Theorem, Turing's Halting Problem, Turski's Truth Theorem-- all have the flavour of some ancient fairy tale which warns you that "To seek self- knowledge is to embark on a journey which . . . will always be incomplete, cannot be charted on a map, will never halt, cannot be described."
-Douglas R. Hofstadter

story

2010-05-15T22:44:00.004-07:00

There once was...
oh no, not this again.
let me finish, this is good.
i've heard it all a million times
the boy has troubles, finds solution, so contrived.
this ones different, you'll see
it's got all sorts of twists and turns
and an ending so socking,
such originality!
this boy, he's sad, he feels all alone.
he's so low in the world,
he's so quite,
so dull.
he wakes in the morning to himself, just himself
he argues his way out of bed,
but not without saying some things he didn't mean.
an apology's in order, alot of things are.
he plays his guitar, his favorite set of chords
writes another song to her, played to empty walls.
his dreams of guitar are cliche, and shallow, he knows.
he dismisses them, "just dreams, they're foolish."
off to work to see their faces, watch them watch him, watch him work
he's smiling, always helpful, always happy, always always.
back again its him himself, alone.
its nothing, no one, nowhere, home.
the thoughts he has surface on the crust of his mind,
he considers, yes, he thinks a while
he's not sure, willing still
to take a life
just him himself
alone
he did,
he died.

itleae

2010-05-15T22:17:00.002-07:00

should i move to words this feeling deep?
no, sunk inside my feeling keep.
no words, nor sound, nor life alight.
none feel as i feel in me, tonight

hm

2010-05-15T02:28:00.002-07:00

sometimes i wonder about this blog. i come here with no real ambition, my only intent is to write down whatever i've had on my mind... call it therapy, if you will (but shouldn't.) its exciting that it has the potential to be read, though i wouldnt want it to be. it troubles me every time that i look at the comments link. 0? not a soul? there's part of me disappointed, wanting it to be known. then there's the part of me that says "why does this bug you? you don't want anyone to read this anyway." its true, i have a point. if this ever became popular, it would destroy it, it would loose all value to me. if i ever got a comment, i don't know what i'd do. but i won't disallow comments, there's joy in the prospect of someone actually doing it. and so, please, i'll leave the comments open, but don't.

goodnight

2010-05-15T02:10:00.003-07:00

goodnight?
goodnight you say?
what a contradictory thing;
to wish me only goodness,
and take away my means.

again

2010-05-14T17:11:00.001-07:00

Eros will have naked bodies; Logos, naked flaws.

ni-t

2010-05-14T16:33:00.003-07:00

there's something so awesome and wonderful about the light of day. its joyful in its truest sense, and beautiful in its dimmest. but there is power in the peaceful solitude of night. there is a longing for day in the darkness, for safety once more, but a strong sense of curious danger, of the unknown in the shadow. the night is the soul to the body of the day, one that -given a chance, would consume the day with bewilderment, and invoke in these lives a sinking depression to be filled with unbiased observation and uneasy wonder.

hean

2010-05-13T11:00:00.002-07:00

throughout the day, i have 20 or 30 thoughts just bouncing around in my head. eventually at the end of the day, i mull them all into one philosophy, and forget about it. it transcends words, emotion, and action. it just simply goes up, and away. its there, but cannot be observed. it is my goal to one day join my philosophy above all this, and be without being.

nightriding

2010-05-12T21:36:00.002-07:00

is there anything more peaceful then the night? i havent found it. i've been around this town for an hour and a half, and for that time i didnt exist, i was nothing IN nothing. not a thought, not a sound, motion, emotion. the further i get away from what i know the more at home i feel. there's comfort in the unknown, it stretches on and on, seemingly infinite, its truly the only thing that IS. i can break away from the temporal, from me, my life, my soul, this world, and sail quietly into the nothing unknown forever and ever, peacefully into the night, never to return. its my nirvana. isolation from ALL that is. it passes no judgment, and requires no response.

maybe thats it. i feel like everything wants an action, or a movement from me. im scared to act and be wrong, so often, i dont act at all. this is the wrong response as well. in the night, outside, there is no expectation. i feel no pressure to be or do anything. i just exist in nothing. this natural world enforces no requirements, we humans do, so, as of now, i am not human, i am nature. i am it and it is me, we are one and together, together and all.

breathe and be free of all expectation, live.

lie

2010-05-12T20:26:00.003-07:00

ive been looking for something thats never existed, and found everything in between. ive defined what i could, and i've been found wanting a definition. it seems the life im trying to find has never, will never, and could never. maybe this is nothing, maybe this everything i wanted, and then more. happiness in a lifestyle never existed. happiness must be in your soul. i've gotta find my soul. it wont be out here, in this world, no. its in me. its living. my life is mine! are there any sweeter words?

mon1009

2010-05-10T21:35:00.004-07:00

im in trouble tonight, i need to write this out. all these problems im having and have had for a while are weighing me down. its not stress, i believe, im nearly never worried about anything. though, it might be just that, and i just haven't defined it. some back-story, and story. i've never been popular, ive never been cool, or smooth, or funny. im nothing, non-definitive. in elementary school, i hung out with 4 or 5 kids, jose was the funny one, eric never talked, i don't think i did much either. chris moved here, i said a joke from the daily show, he'd seen it. we became friends over time because he was buddies with my other friend, dax. dax moved here, too. i don't remember when we met, but i do remember him being there. we were the bottom rung, but i didnt know it then. the same in jr. high. i had no clique, not too many friends. i didnt do sports, i didnt get good grades. i was just myself, a nobody. high school, i was a ghost. i wasnt like anyone, but wasnt a deviant. wasnt cool, wasnt a loser. looking back, its like it didnt even happen. now, in college, these groups dont exist. im not in a clique, no one is, people just are who they are, but i never became anybody. even these words im writing feel like nothing. im removed. i dont feel like an inhabitant of this body unless im dissatisfied with the way i look, or the way my hair falls. or when i can't breathe. sometimes my lungs burn, and i cant catch a full breath. this is when i think clearest. i hate the burning, and the longing for air, but i take in and analyze the things around me better, more clearly. i form philosophies. i do what i should. maybe its because i feel death so close, and i am human for a bit. ive had thoughts of suicide here and there. it bugs when they happen, its not me. its almost always for attention, though. i imagine the look of shock and surprise on everyones faces when they find me splattered, dead. drowned. shot. they can't believe it! oh, how they'll miss me. they'll really be confused, they thought i was so happy. i can't stand it, its too shallow. i'd like to believe i'd never come to this, not when im happy, but at my depths, these become very real. they're short, and far between, but theyre there. i knew theyre temporary, though, and i would never trade my happiness to get rid of my sadness. am i being dramatic? i dont know, its hard to tell. ive put too many words here. it makes no sense, no, not to you. and i wont even read over it again. this is just a strain of thoughts, therapy, if you will. i wont be revising. yes, my life story. well, fast forward to now, everyones gone. no friends. family is here, and strong, but no friends. coworkers, and theyre nice. there's one i have a crush on, in fact, i love her. but i cant be sure, ive never had that before. but i want to be with her, and when im happy i think of her, and shes the reason im happy, and i wanna tell her she made me happy, but shes not there next to me. shes in my head, and in my future, and emotion, logic, time spent writing songs to her. wow, this sounds crazy and obsessive. its not, please dont think it is. my thoughts, at least the ones away from here, are organized or evaporated. when i think of her, i think of me. i hate me, and im truly and awful thought. i think of her and me together, but we could never be happy, no, not with me, i wouldnt be happy. if she knew the real me, the sad me, she'd leave, no doubt. we're two different people. i know she likes me too, thats the worst part. shes waiting on a move from me that'll never come. i wish she'd never met me. she'd be happier, not disappointed. it doesnt matter, nothing does. shes the exception. ive had others, but none i liked. i made out with them and flirted, but i could do that because they didnt mean anything. they were just an opportunity to satisfy my need to my fit to the social norm. im free when i dont care, im getting there, i meditate. i wonder if i'll ever be to the point where nothing at all matters, and im completely indifferent. i wont love, but i wont fear love. i will finally be able to make a move, if even a hollow one. i use too many commas. i write like a robot. i think like a robot. what am i doing anyway? this is a feeling, not a transcript. im inclined to write anyway. my college offers free therapy, im thinking about going. i dont know if i can be honest. and they can tell if im not honest. then they'll think thats the real me, and its not. is it? i guess it would be if i did, but i wouldnt if they werent a shrink, or anyone, if they were fake, like you. online, no-ones. i dont know if i could ever tell the truth here anyway. i've said too much already. thanks for not being there. now, forgot all of this, and live your life.

put

2010-05-07T10:11:00.003-07:00

i like this place. i can be selfish here, and no one can tell me otherwise. if they do, they can go fuck themselves! ha ha ha. i can post things absolutely no one wants to read or think about, and i can do it knowing im not bugging friends or family, or even a therapist (to which i have free access.) it goes here to sit in infamy and neglect forever, and for all eternity, or until the internet is destroyed. i can talk about myself in mundane detail, and with bad spelling, worse grammar. the thoughts that i have. this is great place to vent, because although no one wants to hear it, they CAN. thats what makes the difference.

i had a reason for coming here. i think to post about some crazy thing i had in my head i didnt wanna put on facebook, or say outloud. i forgot what it was, but i'll be back.

danger

2010-05-05T10:19:00.002-07:00

on insurance and chance. i buy back the risk of danger in the unknown by consciously accepting responsibly for it before it even happens. danger and risk are cheap, as there seems to be no scarcity. some would pay the high price of paranoia or fear, why? it seems much less costly to forget the "might," and accept the "did" as an unsympathetic, unstoppable fate, one of which you never saw coming.

better away

2010-05-03T22:21:00.002-07:00

unravel this lie, i crafted so carefully
i am not who i've pretended to be
a face so familiar, yet so unknown
it tells you just who you are to believe
step on to stage, what a brilliant performance
the lights dim while you're away
no ovation is heard, but a shattering soul
collect and reform from the floor
the broken pieces won't fit, anyway.

-ite

2010-04-25T02:34:00.003-07:00

the sins i painted
beauty, as i saw it
relieving, and reviving

the sins i've collected
damning, as they see it
revulsion and vile

these sins i've protected
the soul as i've called it
deny me my repentance
with fiery hell to scald me

s.t. -ing

2010-04-25T02:26:00.002-07:00

if there arent at least 37 crab,
if there arent, at the very least, 7, 9, 10 skeletal dancers,
and, again,
at the very depths of the least,
find me, only...
just this one, maybe
tell me
secretly
where search you
i'll see this as it is
find me in the very, oh please, very least
a...
oh, please, i need it,
i do.

-er

2010-04-20T23:11:00.005-07:00

you'll find him where he lay
there, lazy 'neath the trees
we are, and as he is, forever
one of one, life, together.
"i am, as it was, but wasn't.
i wasn't, no, not never."
pass from nothing, something, nothing,
laying, drifting on, forever.

eye

2010-04-16T10:07:00.004-07:00

take my hand and see what i see
live this sad familiarity
inhale with certain solidarity
exhale with doubtful incoherence

recall a past of soulless weaning
to derive a bit of meaning
ever searching, none revealing
days were lurching to nights feeling

take my hand and see as i do
shed and wear this skin as i do
root and judge the things i thought true
suffer, die, languish as i do

ages hence

2010-04-15T22:48:00.004-07:00

if i could - yes?
dear mr. frost, my best
describe to me...
in detail
a parallel situation
where...
you and i cross,
again in that wood.
show me that path
again, and in vision.
tell, oh please
perhaps it, if we...
but tragic it seems,
the paths overgrown
but where so many have traveled,
travel surely is shown.
how, again, mr. frost
where you and i cross
your path over mine
our trails you define?

play

2010-04-15T22:18:00.002-07:00

have you ever wanted to play something
so strikingly sad
that it could destroy the soul
of even the happiest man?
that it could recreate
the swollen sadness that
prompted its existence
in the throat
of another,
till it choked him,
till he felt.
but couldnt find the notes
to transcribe this awful feeling
let it languish, sinking in me
terrible,
at a loss of expression.
they'll never understand now
fuck these words, i want sound

t.r. sims

2010-04-06T19:05:00.000-07:00

smaller, growing still, but having.
tell me 'bout your day, behaving?
those letter grades, and dreams will fade
when shelter leaves
where doubt does stay
kept coveted ever need of smile
ever leave here
ever fear?
no.

walk on

2010-04-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

escaping from the finite of an echo of a scream
a noise becomes a thought again, the thought begins to sink
a stirring, then a pounding, then a racing, then erasing
"its the business of it's origin, who am i to intervene?"
a second, more distinctive, then a third, fourth, followed fifth
a pleading with the justified
"this is no business of mine."
walk on.

emi

2010-04-04T23:04:00.001-07:00

i didn't, though i wanted
thought i couldn't, felt i should

i did it, what i couldn't
wasn't happy, thought i would

friday april second twothousandandten at ten fifty six am, just before work, right after school

2010-04-02T10:10:00.005-07:00

dear reader, thanks for making time for me today. im nervous, i feel like im at a confessional getting ready to spill my guts. that wrenching feeling. its a wonder, though, because i use this shield, i hide online. this mask of anonymity protects me from any real, connected judgment. still, i can never be fully honest. i'll never be comfortable here. not much can be said about offline either. my true thoughts and emotions are my own, only to be discovered through drunkenness, or love. two very similar things, of which i've never had. that reminds me of my reason for this post here today. i want to put to words all these thoughts i've had lately. i want to do it here because im scared to do it elsewhere, and no one likes to hear about other people’s problems. just thinking about how i sound as im writing this, i cant shake this "childish" undertone. it follows me. maybe its a need for simplicity? maybe i think its easier for a reader to understand. maybe thats me, the real me. maybe i still think in fragment thoughts and rough transitions, with bad grammar, bad spelling, no flow. to pick back up on my thoughts, my psychology class has just begun studying childhood development, and were moving into the part where we're discussing how certain childhood traits, and experiences, mold us as adults. we talked about an experiment done with monkeys that related our human capacity, and need of, security. these monkeys were put into a new room by themselves. they didnt make a move, they were scared. then, they were put into a new room with their "moms," and they felt secure, and comfortable, and explored the room. i began to think about what i had in my life that offered me security. im troubled to find that the list is short, in fact, its almost nonexistent. i wanted to find security in my parents, but i couldnt. i love them, i think, or i think i should, i do? but there are things in me that i dont know they know. or would want to. its depressing me now, typing it out. it becomes something real, something more than a thought. this ties to the subject that we studied today, inner security. my professor described a person who disliked themselves so much that they couldnt understand why anyone would ever like them. i sat, and listened, and understood. this is me. or, am i just being dramatic? perhaps thats why i feel like i have no security in my parents, because i have none in myself. and if i dont like me, how could they like me. and how can i love them if they dont like me? my professor went on to talk about trust in relation to self-security. she described a person who didnt trust others, who thought others were out to get them. this wasnt me, surely, i trust most people. innocent till guilty. And if you met me on the street, Id be a real nice, real happy guy. but when she correlated the two, and described the final result, i found it hard to understand. the result was someone who feared relationships. the words she used and the way she said it kind of sank beneath my skin, and clung to my lungs. i saw myself in her description. i grew nervous, and disappointed. i wanted to leave, but at the same time, i wanted to understand. i wanted to know more about myself. when class got out, my nervousness lingered. i thought about life, and meaning, and god. i wanted to find my security. in a way, i guess i still dont know. when troubles hit me, like now, i have no one to cling to, i have these words, never to be read by another, melting in this ocean of the internet, under the hollow guise of anonymity. i want god there. i want to believe she’s watching me. i want her to care. she doesn’t. in my mind, deity has no respect for man. it doesn’t care who you are, or what youve done. you are life, youre a part of it, not the purpose of it. and i thought about the true value of a life, deitys creation, in relation to humans. how is it that i can say im more important than the meat i eat, or the weeds i kill? my definition of value for objects is that the value of something is the highest price someone will pay for it. if i can sell a couch for 10 million dollars, that couch is worth 10 million dollars. a life might be similar. if i can, during my life, do 10 million good and honest things, then that is the value of my life. a tree, though it has no measurable cognition, has dignity, and has life. across the span of its life, it may do great things. it has potential. but, its hard to determine potential without realizing purpose. does that tree serve a purpose within its life? i found no comfort in god, or deity. there is no security in what i cant prove. the only thing i know certainly so far is that i am. everything else relies on my senses, which have never truly been correct so far, filtered through my logic, which is flawed, as youve been reading. so where can i turn when im put in a new room. have i been like the monkey, scared in my corner. or do i need security at all, it seems im somewhat normal, at least externally, without it. well that brings to a close my thoughts for today. can i ask you, if you dont mind, to try and find your security. until im ready, i'll write here. hidden behind my mask. i feel better though, a weights off my chest, and i better understand what ive been thinking about. Thank you.

epi

2010-03-04T10:45:00.002-07:00

some would say that actions speak louder than words, i'd agree, but i'd say philosophies speak louder than actions. because the power and the meaning of that action is derived specifically from who you are, and has no external value.

wor

2010-02-12T20:24:00.003-07:00

they say they're worried. they care about me, and they want me to be happy. happy? how? by living the typical life? doing what everyone does, cause if im not, somethings wrong, they should worry. tell me to do it, tell me what im missing. tell me, if i dont follow strictly the social norms, how long before you don't care, and assume im lost? oh, there must be something wrong, or...

saintseneca

2010-02-07T23:51:00.000-07:00

tell me theres a heaven after this earth, because if it isn't true then it aint worth leaving.

spri

2010-01-17T23:55:00.002-07:00

i feel like im slipping to the back of my head. more and more often my actions and words are instant, stupid first impulses. im not the person saying those words, im not the one whos walking so quickly, avoiding eye contact. im the person who can't just hear you say something, but i've got to discover the moral weight of it, its meaning, its orgin. i want to discuss something that means anything, not just nothing! im the one who wants to look, look into your eyes as you pass and recognize you as another beautiful, living wonder. i lack the courage to be who i am, so i'll be me in private, at least for now.

apoc

2010-01-14T11:31:00.004-07:00

my survival is something i ponder often. i weigh what i really need against what i really want. so, what do i need? more beans? i've got cans and cans, a cupboard of beans. i dream in beans, and if it comes to survival, i'll most likely die in beans, choking on a spoonful of out-of-date pinto's when the zombies storm my barrack. it's not an awful way to go, but pintos are my least favorite.

c.s.l.

2010-01-08T12:08:00.003-07:00

i read a quote by c.s. lewis that reads something like this "god is satisfied with his work..." i'd never considered this before. satisfaction would seem almost ungodly, to stew eternally in satisfaction, making no improvement to creation, its even almost selfish, at least from a creations point of view. so the question is, what does god do all day? sit around and eavesdrop? judge us? commit small miracles throughout the world? imprint a face or figure on toast? if deity is satisfied then we truly have no purpose, if not to serve as affirmation of a godly conceit, and apathy. oh what a hell heaven would be if all were satisfied, and what a paltry heaven heaven would be if it required such work. it seems we're doomed to ignorance, or endeavor.

nathaw

2010-01-07T19:25:00.003-07:00

Nathaniel Hawthorne said "Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you." I disagree completely, the happiness is in the chase! it's the hunt with net and jar! it's the bounding, goofy 'z' run you tread across the field. its the wild swings and grasps that graze just centimeters behind! its when your eyes widen and mouth opens, jump, reach, fall and laugh. happiness isn't a place, its a pursuit!

explain this better

2010-01-04T16:11:00.001-07:00

we are only as week as we allow ourselves to be.

resolution

2010-01-01T11:24:00.002-07:00

by the end of this year i'll have the world in the palm of my hand, and by the end of the next i'll have crushed it to a fine dust and thrown it to the wind.

(n)ever apathetic: a response by victor hugo

2009-12-31T21:11:00.001-07:00

"Almost all our desires, when examined, contain something too shameful to reveal. "
Victor Hugo

-muc

2009-12-30T09:33:00.003-07:00

im trying to get a transcription quote from a man who lives on a mountain. he comes down weekly and sends only a sentence "i've come down the mountain to check email, i'll get back to you on monday." the man lives a conflicting lifestyle, but at least he lives it from atop a mountain.

ever apathetic

2009-12-28T20:30:00.002-07:00

my indifference is what kills me, cause i want so badly to want. i have no outward ambition, nothing that people can see and compare. its torturous to me, people want me to want, they do all that they can, i cant, im sorry, i cant. the greatest gesture in the world couldnt move me from my place. i feel like i should want, i feel like i should need, but im torn in my mind between the life i lead within, and the life i follow outside. one which tells me that life is too short to waste, and the other that stalls and waits for death to come. im pushed, and im shoved in the direction that others assume is best, i go along, its whats normal. they love me, and want me to succeed, but i dont want success, i dont want your love, i cant give you love, i'm sorry. its selfish, in every way, its the most selfish thing in the world.

rendition

2009-12-27T18:59:00.002-07:00

there is great insight to be learned from the silent flicker of a fire. it has within itself the ability to burn wildly, with strength to raze all that lies before it. yet, it's submissive, even to the slightest change in the wind. its captivating, with beauty that lulls the caution to touch. i stare, and ponder, will you burn forever? no? why do you, fire, choose to slowly fade within the thickened smoke and cold? perhaps you know something i do not. perhaps you find your place, as a fascinating and wondrous creation in nature, to be best defined in a brief period of light and heat. perhaps your power is not yours to control, and you submit yourself entirely to outside conditions. whatever your bearing, if i may, i'd like to gaze upon your flame.

reperations

2009-12-26T12:35:00.006-07:00

oh how stupid of me, i understood that satisfaction was something i could achieve, but it's come to my attention i've been wrong. satisfaction is ignorance of something better. to be satisfied is to be apathetic, and to be apathetic is something i could never be satisfied with. and so i've come to recognize dissatisfaction as a condition of life, and i'm overjoyed at the prospect!

-her

2009-12-22T17:34:00.000-07:00

then i wasn't talking to her, she had no face, no form, for a second i saw her soul. for that second every thing i have tried to be, every lie, all my barriers and all my restrictions were gone, and we were two souls.

-mer

2009-12-21T22:34:00.003-07:00

i've been selfish. i forgot the human want of truth, even when untruth is just as valuable. i forgot the human want to 'keep it together' even though you'd be better off letting it all fall apart. i've done what i've done for reason, i assume, selfish or not.

reiteration

2009-12-19T15:19:00.002-07:00

i don't believe that a god would create life, then demand that all worship them, or even believe in them. if they do, they're not a god i intend to worship or 'believe in' anyways. if there is, by some chance, a god whos done all this, then they would seem to be indifferent to humans worship, much less human life. we are but a part of a much more interesting creation, one of which feels no inclination to worship as we do. everything 'religious' is synthetic, built on the human want for an answer, any answer, so long as it can be profitable, or give meaning. imagine, if you can, a religion in which you didnt have to do or believe anything. whats the purpose of it? if you believe as i do, that if there is a god they simply do not care about our rationale, then breath free, know that there is probably not a heaven, that you will never see eternity, and that our being here isn't to worship, its to fuck, and its to survive. dont let this get you down, its inspiring to know we're just another animal, so ENJOY life, and LIVE it.

-ret

2009-12-19T03:24:00.003-07:00

everyone's looking for something definite. i say, you can only ever really be sure of one thing, and that is that you can never really ever be sure of anything, and even THAT you can't be sure of. what you CAN be sure of is your fast approaching death, it's very real, you can't ignore it forever. who knows, maybe there IS an after life. if there is, why call it afterlife if it still IS life? life after death? we are only our memories. if we live again, but forget this life, then its as if we've been left dead. if we retain our memories, did we ever really die? if time stretches into eternity, on and on without end, then it has no meaning, as it cant be defined. it might as well never have been. something infinite is as useless as something nonexistant, they are the same.

-mim

2009-12-16T14:12:00.002-07:00

why did you look down? why let your eyes fall? im no better than you, you're no better than me. we both pass our judgments, but looking down and away doesnt stop that. is it you? can you look into anothers eyes? i will live a life that merits me to look into the eyes of any with confidence, with empathy, and with discipline.

-ild

2009-12-15T21:09:00.002-07:00

i'm not losing my grip on reality, i let go. im not quite sure it was reality i had a handle on in the first place. besides, this white faced vanity normality bullshit is a weight i cant afford to carry around, there are already too many things that keep me from flight.

his life

2009-12-14T21:57:00.008-07:00

it was, most thought, simple. to the ordinary eye, he seemed like your dime-a-dozen loser. the simple mater of the fact was that few took the time to dig any deeper, to look any closer, or to discover that his life was, in fact, hellish.

he lived in layers. the surface was plain, dull, like breakfast conversation. nothing was real, it was all so shallow it's a wonder so many accepted it as his demeanor. the next layer was insecurity. thick, no one dare press through this layer, why should they? the next layer was incredible sadness, something you'll never hear, read, or see. it was here where he spent his time, apathetic. absolutely nothing made it to this layer, nothing made it out either. it was sealed, a secret from the world. no matter how much he hated being there, he wouldn't do a single thing to get out, and he hated that, too. he thought it was his core, but was mistaken. there was another layer, beneath all the shit that had piled on top. forget about this one, it's not important.

he went on with his life, always going on. mindlessly moving forward towards this goal that he couldn't see. he sometimes thought about stirring the pot, doing something real insane. when he finally did go crazy, it wasn't him doing it, it was his body doing it, he watched. like a ghost he stared at his flesh and bone, some outside spirit haunting his body. whisper to him, ghost, tell him the secrets of the universe, or his favorite color. he was angry it was never him, he could only spectate, wishing he would build the courage to do what he saw. when it came to life he was seemingly indifferent, no, he WAS indifferent. stretched before his eyes was an elaborate scheme of time and numbers and events and things of great importance, lucky and confused, a blip on the line, he closed his eyes and it was gone. shred it to pieces, he though, fucking line. impersonal, improper, anything "im-" but not anything "un-" was his life in words.

as the story goes, he grew old and died. hmm, what an ending, its fitting.

m-

2009-12-14T21:19:00.004-07:00

even when i really want to, when i need it the most, i can't write a fuckin word that means anything. i feel this powerful reeling telling me to do! to passionately create and emotionally transcribe this overwhelming chaos tearing out from inside me. it wants to express, TO EXPLODE! it wants to be known, its a scream, a dare! a million dollar ticket torn and burned, floating happy ash, monies two forms; wanted and destroyed. you could call it inspiration, if you believe in such a thing. i'll call it my convict, ever escaping its own will.

12/14/09

2009-12-14T19:25:00.003-07:00

it's really strange, i thought i had it all pinned down. i play the isolated, lonely loser well. i didn't expect this, so i guess im shook up that anyone would really even care. there goes my excuse, all up in flames, i guess i'm not alone.

perception of time

2009-12-11T22:35:00.004-07:00

what is the past but a memory in the present? what is the future but a hypothesis in the present? "He who has seen present things has seen all, both everything which has taken place from all eternity and everything which will be for time without end; for all things are of one kin and of one form. ~Marcus Aurelius" the entirety of all existence resides within the confines of your head. to an individual, only that which is being perceived truly exists, all else is supposed. i wrote that sentence with the intent to follow it with an example, but, i've confused myself.

perception

2009-12-10T10:32:00.005-07:00

i've said that perception is everything, i still believe that. in fact i believe everything and anything is possible through perception. the world as we, or i should say, i, know it is completely subject to how we interpret it. the sky is blue only because my eyes see it that way, and because i know what 'blue' means, and i know what a sky is, and so forth. my perception of the blue sky is nothing but. it is only perception. were i the ONLY one with this particular perception, would i be wrong? if i truly knew of myself the sky was blue of course i'd be right, if only to myself. and so, with this logic, anything and everything is real. are you king or queen? do you swim in the cosmos? is the earth on fire? are you a god creating worlds? to an individual, maybe. maybe that man creating worlds is labeled crazy, sitting in a room, humming to himself. or maybe, that man is creating worlds, and we're crazy! you see? and so i must correct myself, you truly can escape your past, and in fact, escape anything. change you point of view, and existence is anew.

utilitarianism

2009-12-06T14:08:00.001-07:00

form an opinion on utilitarianism

a modern

2009-12-05T23:06:00.003-07:00

one day, i'd like to become a famous painter. i would make masterpieces, selling them for millions. at the heighth of my popularity, i'd reveal that i've been secretly hiding penises in all of my art work. i imagine this would be very unsettling to anyone unfortunate enough to have viewed it with any kind of seriousness. plainly speaking, people don't like not knowing they're looking at penises.

roaster of disaster

2009-12-05T14:15:00.002-07:00

everything smells like stew, i can not escape this fate. the lingering aroma haunts me, it torments my very soul to the edge of it's estate, ready to leap from my body and find another, one graced with the gift of varying scent. oh, to smell the monsoon's rain again, or the slow, dry burring of bread let toasting too long! ALAS, i am trapped in my carrot and potato prison.

phil, as in pilosophy

2009-12-04T13:17:00.001-07:00

i don't know why i want to voice these things out loud, it's therapeutic somehow.

perception

2009-12-03T22:24:00.007-07:00

what you feel, what you see, who you are, it's all perception. this life is nothing but perception laced into morality, and accepted as reality. no one will ever witness the world as you have, because our perceptions are unique, more so than our finger print.

hello

2009-12-03T21:52:00.004-07:00

despite ever encouraging words from all the optimists and rehabilitaters, there is no escape from your past. there is no new life. every choice you make defines you as a person, defines your life after that choice, and erases all that would have been had you not chosen what you did. our only true options are denial or acceptance, as in most things in life.

my ever ticking clock of wonders

2009-12-03T16:11:00.003-07:00

for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. for every heartfelt sorrow there's an equal and opposite joy. for every truth told, a lie is told. for every justice, an injustice. for every life, a death. the original statement supposes all is constant and able, let alone willing -this isn't the case. a truer statement: for every opportunity there is an equal and opposite opportunity.

the sun

2009-12-02T23:27:00.002-07:00

the day is never ending, as the earth is always spinning, it's always day somewhere. the night is never ending, there's always night where there isn't day. it's a balance, constant and equal, between a world half covered in light, and half covered in darkness.

psychology

2009-12-02T12:15:00.003-07:00

i believe that there's an inferred standard of normality to which people are compared. i disagree with this, i believe normality is an imaginary social 'check' that keeps people from truly becoming who they wish to be, outside of peoples own fears, it just doesn't exist. i believe that upon close enough scrutiny, nobody would measure up to this fictional standard. if they did, they would almost certainly be insane.

goal

2009-11-30T14:44:00.003-07:00

i've been down and out for the past year or so, thinking about what i want to do and become. i've been searching for a goal, an aspiration, or anything to give me direction. i finally made up my mind; i'm going to fall in love. i've never been in love before, for reasons it'd take too long to explain, but, i'm ready now... try me.

my objective trip to fry's: what i learned and saw there

2009-11-30T14:23:00.002-07:00

old people live and breath fry's market place. they go in swarms for their drugs and groceries. the drugs are easily attained, they've been moved to the front of the store. there are isles and isles of pills and creams for anything you have, think you have, or want. just walking past it on my way to the back of the store i was overwhelmed by the suffocating aroma of the old men's leather scented colognes, and the old woman's daffodil scented perfume mixing in the air. i hurried and grabbed my christmas themed quart sized ziploc storage bags, and headed to the front of the store to purchase them. the front of the store really emphasized the dominance of the elderly. every register had a line of 5 or 6 old couples, amounting to about 45 old people gathered in to one big, grumpy and impatient, bad smelling mob. in contrast, the self check-out systems on the right side of the store had only 2 people in line, both under the age of 50. i checked out, and left. i was very pleased with my trip to fry's, there are few places where a person can walk in and immediately begin making observations, and thinking about why something is someway or another, and continue doing so until they leave.

personal revelation

2009-11-30T10:49:00.003-07:00

i know what holds me back. i still have this notion that i can go anywhere, and be anything, do what i want and live the life i want to live. it's this notion thats kept me from making any 'progress' in life, like enrolling in college, or getting a more stable job or girlfriend. i didn't want anything to be able to stop me when i finally decided to go. the one great flaw in my plan is that i'll never build the courage to actually break out of this 'normal' life and into the one i believe is ideal. everyone tries to stop me, points out how impossible it is to do. well, i'm here, sitting at my breaking point. do i want to move forward in a regular life, jump all those hurtles? do i have it in me to truly live how i want?

ha ha ha, here i go again. i reread to check for errors, and when i finished i thought to myself "is that really what you want? or do you just want something to be different? do you even know if you like living like that yet? " it's a fucking joke. i can't be the only one who feels this way.

compresion

2009-11-30T00:00:00.003-07:00

throw your hand in the air like you can grab the moment
grasp this second, pull it from infinity
furious with heat, burning with life
this is your time, now!
this is your instant!
love, and for fucks sake, LIVE!

(edit 4/15/10)
throw your hand in the air and rip from it this moment
grasp this second, tear it from infinity
furious with heat, burning with life!
this is YOUR time, NOW!
this is YOUR instant!
LOVE, and for fucks sake, LIVE!

mistaken

2009-11-29T09:47:00.002-07:00

passed from mother to daughter
it seems almost written in her genes
oh, to pick such a father
to hide away her pain, to lie, to make the best of it, she says
when will it be worth it?
when the best of it has been made, will you still be unhappy?
oh, why call this man a father,
he's done nothing for the name.

if

2009-11-28T21:48:00.004-07:00

this is the world that i create,
kept fortified within decay.
this life's true sum i delineate:
a stale and fallen, pained bouquet.
though once it lived with beauty sweet,
now winters shroud of frost does seize.
no summer rays through trees do heat,
no lovely, gallant, right reprise.

though, a longing still persists in me
if thawed, how glorious it might be

the great void

2009-11-27T13:15:00.001-07:00

you don't deserve my empathy, you think only of yourself.

moderation

2009-11-27T00:45:00.003-07:00

her dad died. he dropped dead coming back from his morning jog, had a heart attack in the drive way. it sounds like bull shit, it's true. it happened maybe four or five years ago. i can't recall even a single tear, frown, or change of subject. she smiles in all her pictures, every one. does she have to be happy, does she need it, does she fake it? "has she cried?" i wonder. either answer is the wrong one.

peace

2009-11-26T21:17:00.001-07:00

peace isn't capitalist, or even democratic. it's not exactly collectivist, or benevolent, it's not exactly anything, but this: the halt of all progress. its the the destruction of man in a pretty package. greed, selfishness, and hate are the virtues the drive us forward, not always in themselves, but in working against them. peace is better served as an ideal than as a reality.

11/26/09

2009-11-26T20:51:00.001-07:00

none of these people will ever know who i really am.

just some advice

2009-11-23T21:44:00.000-07:00

when the volcano erupts, don't look up, run away. no, don't take the car, the tires will melt and the windshield will be covered in soot. don't run to the airport, there's no air traffic with the high amounts of ash clouding visibility. don't run home, run to a barn. saddle up the nearest four-legged animal, and you ride, ride that thing to safety with lava nipping at your heels.

a definition of equlity

2009-11-17T21:15:00.002-07:00

i believe equality isn't "to each the same." or even "to each what is needed." but equality is; to each the ability to achieve what is wanted. i believe we are all naturally equal. given, some want hate, some want greed, some want oppression. some want love, some want charity, some want freedom. for every move towards "bad", there is an opportunity to move towards "good", it's a simple matter of who wants which, more. when there is a will, there's a way... though it seems, lately, many have forgotten their will.

when all else fails

2009-10-07T10:37:00.003-07:00

you get 2 options in life, only 2. i think i might have chosen the wrong one, but i cant ever be sure, or wont ever be sure, in fact, im sure im not sure i'll never know... at least not until the day i die, which im sure is approaching quickly. when that fateful day comes, i'll look back and say "i wish i had asked more girls to have sex with me." it IS the meaning of life, after all. i dont believe in an reactive god, but if he did exist, do you figure he'd be angry that we've genetically engineered the seeds out of watermelons? i mean, if the whole point is to reproduce, we've created an abomination. i don't know which religion it is that frowns on using condoms, but the way i see it, seedless fruits should be just as frowned on, if not more. and there aries your 2 options again; is this guy serious, or is he kidding? should i continue to eat seedless fruit, or stop?
i cant help you with your options, all i can do is color, type, and whistle.

better lived

2009-10-06T13:15:00.003-07:00

its an arizonan autumn. theres a still, cool breeze, the kind that lazily floats by, with no direction or schedule. when it saunters past you, it drops the temperature from 75 to 72, just enough to make you glad its there. its days like these i wonder if anyone would mind or care if an asteroid came hurtling towards the earth tomorrow to destroy us all. i can imagine the morning conversation; "did you hear the news?" "oh yeah, the asteroid?" "yeah. what you think about it?" "i think yesterday was a great day, and i'll be damned if i have to live out another day not as spectacular as that one." "...fuckin a." its true, to a point, that it'd be hard to live another day after today, so im not looking forward to it. the only real comfort is that maybe there'll be another day half as good as this one sometime in the future.
i can tell you, when you do come across a day soo genuinely good, its very hard to know what to do with it. my conundrum is this; do i sit comatose in my back yard and appreciate every second, or do i take this building excitement inside of me and explode into life!? there are great benefits to both, like the peace and tranquility you feel when you realize you've been outside for nearly 3 hours doing nothing productive, nothing to further your purpose or profit or popularity. just. doing. nothing. it may be the most fulfilling thing you can do. on the other hand, a day so perfect should be shared with others, should be picnicked, be kited, be romantically played and relentlessly pursued! every ounce of life contained in the air should breathed into lungs and converted to red blood cells, transported to your legs, released to your muscles, and ran across the field to the spot where the trees make that whooshing noise when the breeze comes.
if nothing else, if absolutely nothing else, drive your car with the windows down, and with a smile on your face, because today is THE day.

the lady at the crosswalk

2009-10-01T10:07:00.002-07:00

when i went to red mountain high school i would get out pretty early, around 10 o'clock. every day on my drive home i would pass through a school zone cross walk, where kids from the jr. high would cross to get to their religious classes off campus. the lady who worked at the cross walk was consistently there, and consistently happy and it. the kids she helped across, however, never seemed to really appreciate what she did for them. as they walked by her, not a single thank you was said, or even a smile, much less eye contact. this lady was there for 5 hours on the hour to escort them across a busy, dangerous road, every weekday, as a volunteer, and she was given not even the slightest bit of acknowledgement from the group she so willing served.
i drove past that same cross walk today. there was no lady to help the kids across, no smiling face to stop the traffic for them. the kids, ever indifferent, ran quickly across the road, dodging cars. i wonder if that lady feels like she never made a difference, that nobody even cared she was there. well, i can say that she made a world of difference, and taught a valuable lesson to a kid who never understood the real meaning of service.

autumn

2009-10-01T09:25:00.005-07:00

the first of october came on slowly and sober, i spent it's morning at the lake. i haven't been there for a while, but with weather like this it would be crazy not to go. as i was walking around the rim i couldn't help but to feel a strong sense of reality. i was walking past the joggers and regular lake-walkers avoiding eye contact at all costs. i wonder if after we pass each other they wish that they would have said hello too. around the back side of the lake is the REC center, where a yoga class of elderly women watch you as you cross their tranquil view. can you be angry in yoga class? if they are upset, i apologize, the view is truly spectacular. i saw a jackrabbit just off the trail. i though it was great he'd managed to adapt to such an urban environment, but pitied that he had to. i passed a mother and daughter happily ignoring the "don't feed the ducks" sign; some rules are better when they're broken. but what made my morning so profoundly real was my appreciation for the beauty of nature, and the handy work of man laid side by side. its a beautiful thought that one was not created for the other, or by each other, but that they are one in the same. the first of october is the day i decided that if life was ever to have purpose, its purpose would be to love the world around, in all its beauty, flaws and scars.

salvation

2009-09-13T13:10:00.003-07:00

'"i'm not a religious person," this is a sentence i can now speak honestly. i've struggled with the meaning of those words for most of my life. this struggle of mine came to a silent breaking point just about an hour ago. i sat quietly on the pew with my family. it used to agitate me to be in church, sometimes i'd feel angry that these people around me actually believed what was being said, or i'd become depressed that most of my friends, and all of my family, would be very disappointed to discover my disbelief. i've moved past those emotions, and now i try to understand where these people are coming from or why they're here. today, i felt no emotion. i sat, indifferent to what was being said, indifferent to what i knew. my blank brain was stagnant, then i stood, and left. the congregation was just as confused as i was. once i was outside and had began the 2 mile walk back to my house, i felt no more excitement, or vindication, than i had when sitting in the pew. my long walk was accompanied by my constant justification for leaving, and my commitment to never return.
about 1/4 mile from my house a man i know stopped and offered me a ride. this man belongs to the church i just abandoned, in fact, he's a high ranking leader of it. i know him personally through activities we participated in before his promotion to leadership. he knows that i've left church early, and from the look on his face, he knows my very recent decision. he invited me into his car, and drove me home.
this marks a new leg of my life, or a new life completely; i intend to live this one right.

ability?

2009-08-24T22:23:00.003-07:00

everyones pushing this word around. accountability. its not something that ive ever believed in, or even thought existed. still, there are always those trying to force it on people. what does it really mean? vindication to those who have/had something to loose? i dont, or would ever want, accountability.

drug testing welfare recipients.

2009-08-24T22:14:00.004-07:00

i very strongly opposed to drug testing those who apply for welfare.
first, its degrading to recipients of welfare to assume that they are on drugs, i would even call it insulting. just because they make less money than most, doesn't mean their self control, dignity, and integrity is any less than someone who earns more.
second, its an outright violation of privacy. plain and simple.
thirdly, drug testing doesn't tell the government that welfare money is being used to purchase drugs, it simply tells it that drugs were used by the person applying. testing positive for drugs in no way implies that a person is unfit to receive welfare, or will misuse the welfare.
fourth, its viability was crushed with the ratification of the fourth amendment, protecting against unreasonable searches and seizures. as i stated earlier, we have no probable cause, and no right to assume all who go on welfare use drugs.

my unattached opinion; you can't pass a law to make people responsible. if you could, you couldn't do it without slapping in the face all those who already are.

8:30

2009-08-20T20:45:00.001-07:00

8:30 is shittiest time of day, both times a day.